Thing #6

6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

I've been dreading this.

I look like a boy. The 'cute baby' phase ended quickly for me.

The hardest thing I have ever faced is my nanny passing away. She is my mum's mum, and I lived with her for a year, then lived behind her house until I was six - When we moved a whole four minutes walk away. My nanny was basically a second mum to me and she is the person I love the most in the entire world. Which is why finding out that she had terminal cancer was so horrible. Seeing someone you love in so much pain is never easy, & I remember everything vividly.

My mum & aunt had stayed the night before, & my mum came home at 7:55 so I could get the bus at 8:05. But at 8:02 her phone rang & she ran out the door. I just knew. When she came home soon after, I locked myself in the bathroom. No-one actually said the words to me, I didn't want to hear. I remember texting my cousins - We all met at the bus stop & walked to school together, & they had already left, so I told them that I'd missed my bus. My mum sent my sisters to school, & I sat at home until I felt ready to go see her.

I hate the thought of that. I sat in my nanny's room, beside her bed, sobbing. And I remember looking at a candle on the bedside table & seeing it flicker vividly. Then I had to hold my mum in my arms when the funeral directors arrived, and again at the wake, and the funeral. I was the oldest, so it was down to me.

There are lots of things that I'd love to say but I don't really want to write any more. I have never spoken about this to any of my friends because it equals instant tears. I just feel incredibly lucky to have been loved by someone so special, and I hope my nanny is safe & happy.

Chloe x